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"I can't feel the unfurling of my wings, Daddy."

I was not her father. I had entered her life when she was two years old, and she called me Daddy since she never knew her real father.  Her mother's death two years ago made me the sole, living parent of an thirteen year-old, and I never felt like I was the right person for the job.

"What do you mean, Asrin?"

"Mom always said that when puberty started I would be the swan that emerged from the ugly duckling. She said I would be able to fly gracefully towards my dreams.  But, I don't feel it."

As much of a woman as she was becoming, she was still a child. I wanted to answer her question, but I really had a hard time discussing her blossoming womanhood in the middle of a laundromat.  Her pretty eyes were pleading with me, but I told her we'd talk later.

Janet had told Asrin a lot of things before she succumbed to the cancer. The last week or so of Janet's life were morphine-induced fantasy, I think.

Janet and I had met during cancer treatment. She had developed ovarian cancer while pregnant with Asrin, and the doctors felt it was a miracle she'd carried full term. My cancer had left me unable to have children, and I had bonded with Janet over the treatments and the second chance at life we'd been given.  By Asrin's second birthday we were both in remission, and we were married right after her third.

Asrin complained of being cold from the time she could speak, but the doctors could find nothing wrong with her. Her body temperature showed as normal, and she was always healthy. They theorized that it was a nervous condition, possibly brought on by the cancer in her mother’s body during the pregnancy, or by the minimal treatment of the cancer they performed while Janet was still pregnant.

So, we left Ohio for the warmer climes of Florida. This did not seem to help much, though.  She would tell us that summers were better for her, but she always wore pants and a long sleeved shirt.  November through March, even in Florida, she would sit around with a hooded sweatshirt on.  When we were at home, she’d be sitting, snuggled up to one of us on the couch if she could be.

Times were good for us in Florida until Asrin was eight. The subprime mortgage market collapsed, and Janet's job in the timeshare industry was gone. The next year, I was forced to take a pay cut. The next year, we lost our house and Janet's cancer resurfaced. The next year, Janet was gone.  It was just Asrin and I, living in an apartment and trying to make the best of it with our parakeet, Louie.

The night of the question of the unfurling in the laundromat, I felt tired and did not revisit the issue.  Janet had tried to have “the talk” with Asrin before she died, but I don’t know how lucid and clear it was.  I’d had my sister in Ohio answer some questions over the phone for Asrin once, and that seemed to help, but this one was more about her own perception of herself. How could I help a girl find her way to being a woman? I had no idea, and that night I really just rushed her to bed so that I could get some sleep.

The weeks went by, and we were very, very busy. Asrin had her chorus performance, her dance recital and her state exams all within a two week period.  My parents came to stay for two weeks for the dance recital and chorus performance, and that meant I slept on the couch while they took my room.  I woke up tired every day, and Asrin even tried to convince me to sleep in her bed.  I wasn’t going to let her stay up in front of the TV all night, so I suffered the couch.

At the dance recital, another parent asked me if the girl with the pretty green eyes was mine and how I had named her Asrin.  I had to explain, politely, that Asrin’s birth father had named her, and that I really didn't know the origin of the name.  

Janet had told me about the cruise ship tryst with the tall, dark stranger with the even stranger accent that had resulted in Asrin. When they were done, he had said only two things to her. He said “Name the child Asrin” and “I’m sorry.”

Now, why she would follow his wishes, I don’t know. I guess we were both young and foolish before we got cancer, and I’d had my share of impulsive evenings before I got sick.  If she chose to name her child based on the wish of the father, who was I to judge?

I had thought that after my parents went back to Ohio that my sleep would get back to normal.  After three days in my own bed again, I was still tired.  Two weeks later, I feel asleep at the wheel of the car after dropping Asrin off at school and drove off the road.  I didn't hit anyone, I just put our car in a ditch and managed to get away with a few bumps and bruises.

At least, that’s what I’d thought I’d gotten away with.  When I was brought to the hospital after the accident, the physician talked to me about the fatigue and my past medical history. Next thing I knew, I was admitted to the hospital for testing.

My cancer was back, and it was apparently in my lymphatic system.  It had spread widely, and I hadn't even realized it.  Asrin stayed with a neighbor until my parents came back, and they stayed in our apartment with her while I was in the hospital.

I’d like to tell you that I felt hope, but every test and every treatment brought nothing but murmurs of “radical therapy” and “alternative treatments” and “we’ll have to wait and see.”

If the hospital staff would let her do so, Asrin would spend time curled up in my hospital bed with me. She didn't feel cold to me, but I knew she was. I didn't know what to say to her. Her radiant green eyes were still pleading with me, but she didn't ask any questions.

Finally, I was brought home to die.  The hospice team was there to help me transition, and the lawyers had made sure that my parents would get custody of Asrin.  We didn't have much else left in the world, but whatever material possessions and money I had went to them to help pay for her upbringing. All I really wanted was pain killers and for it all to be over.

For the first few nights, Asrin slept in my bed with me. She had always been a skinny, almost frail, child, and she was that way as a teenager. She could still fit her frame in the bed next to me. It actually hurt to have her there, snuggled up against me.  But, I was too weak to put the energy into denying her the last bit of warmth I could ever give her.

On the fourth night, I expected her to be there.  As I opened my eyes from a pain-killer induced sleep, I saw her standing over me in the night, her green eyes visible inside her hooded sweatshirt.

“Cold?”  It was all I could say and then I opened one arm to welcome her in the bed.

“I’ll always be cold, Daddy. I understand now that when you’re gone, I’ll always be cold and I’ll always be alone.”

I was pushing the edges of mortal consciousness then, but I realized something was different about her.  Her eyes didn't seem to have that puppy-dog, pleading look anymore.

“My parents. They will be with you.” Sentences were hard for me at that point.

“I know, Daddy. They’ll raise me, but I alone will take care of them soon.”

I didn't know what she meant just quite yet.

“Let me take care of you, Daddy.  I love you.”

It was then I saw her wings unfurl, and her eyes were strong inside that hood.  She reached out gently, and used two fingers close my eyes.
As always, it started with the first sentence popping in my head while I was doing something mundane today, and the rest of story just popped in my head later while sitting at a traffic light...  

Yes, she should have been named "Azrin" (derivative of "Azrael", the Angel of Death) but her mother wasn't told how to spell it.  :) I was trying to not hit the reader over the head with the fact that her real father was the angel of death, and then I had her wearing a hood at the end like grim reaper, but now I'm afraid I was too subtle with the name thing. Is that making sense? Is anyone getting that?

Comment and Feedback welcome. I am staying up late to write again, so I am sure I missed something in my proofreading.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-05-22
Every Angel Deserves a Child by ~enigmaticsmile Suggester Writes: there's a world of mythology lurking just below the surface. ( Suggested by disrhythmic and Featured by BeccaJS )
:iconposhsingularity:
I think you should have gone with Azrael, as it was a bit too subtle.

This may be a diamond in the rough; there's some really good stuff here, but your treatment of the dialogue brings it down quite a bit, and there's still a lot to improve.

As a minor nitpick:

The cancer that took away his ability to have children, I assume, was testicular- if that's the case, it's a little tough to imagine the same cancer coming back after so long; given that that's one of the most treatable. Unless it had already spread (although, in which case, I think it would have been closer to a death sentence the first time than implied)? It's not impossible, but some more implied details might help there, because while I could see it was coming, it seemed a little strange that you would use that again (particularly after the mother went with the same resurgence).

The story as a whole rings as if a true account, which is hard to do, but the dialogue is both too precise, and doesn't feel in character.
Perhaps you could try having him simply recall what was said in a more vague way. e.g. "she said something like .... and I told her..."

Where you have to use direct quotes- really memorable stuff- be really careful about word use. I'm pretty sure that, at the end, you make the girl's words intentionally bizarre to present a sense of timeless wisdom, but it really just comes off sounding wrong rather than chilling IMO.
With something short like this, I'd say stick to ambiguity if you can; leave the reader wondering if it's a hallucination or not by retaining the plausibility of a realistic explanation (including plausible dialogue).

Great start though, I was quite captivated up until very near the end (when, as it was wrapping up, the plot felt a bit more forced).

Are you going to keep refining this?
I hope you do :)

I hope that was helpful.
What do you think?
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33 out of 35 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconrosebfischer:
You have a cool concept here. I think with a little work and more detail you'd have yourself an excellent story. The main problem that I have with it right now is that it feels like you're trying to cram a lot of time into much too little space.

I had trouble figuring out where and when I was. For example, you start the story off with a line of dialogue, then jump into backstory for a paragraph, then there's more dialogue. It's not until halfway through the fourth paragraph that I know the dialogue is taking place in a laundromat. Even then, I'm experiencing that scene through a filter of the narrator's thoughts.

If I were writing this piece, I would take some time to introduce the living characters (Asrin and her father) and let the reader get to know them before going into backstory about her mother or the cancer and stuff. You don't need to tell the story in a completely linear fashion, but I think it would really help if the scenes had more concrete details so I could tell better where I was in time.

I think your ending would work better if I felt like I knew the characters more, but with a story this short, the dialogue does feel forced and a little hackneyed.

(I hope this is constructive. I'd give more detailed suggestions, but I've got a bad arm right now and it's hard to type a lot. I really did like your story though and I wanted to critique it.)
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:iconkattire:
kattire Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2014
Loved it, very beautiful!
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!!
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:iconkattire:
kattire Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2014
you're welcome!!
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:icondelicatemagic:
delicatemagic Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2013
I didn't quite get the reference with Asrin's name, but honestly if you'd named her Azreal I still wouldn't have understood because I'm not much of a bible-reader.  I got it once I read your comment, though - if you could somehow work it into the story, like maybe in a prayer that the protagonist said over his wife at their funeral, that would help a bit.  I felt like it was rushed and while the matter-of-fact tone was refreshingly devoid of pity-parties, I also felt like it kept you from exploring the emotional depth of the characters.  Even so, the pacing was pretty good and the story was a pleasant read.  I really hope you expand on this in the future.  I don't think it needs to be that much longer, just more developed, since the storyline is really excellent.  And now I'm off to read more of your stuff, since you've gotten me hooked on your work! :D
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'd like to recommend the stories "Noticed in Committing" and "Auditor of the Ashes" if you're into my work.

I will take your feedback into consideration, thank you.  :)
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:icondelicatemagic:
delicatemagic Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013
Will do!  Thanks!
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:iconooitoeoo:
oOItoeOo Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013
This is awesome =D I have to admit that I didn't get the angel of death thing before I read the description =)
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
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:iconpinballwitch:
pinballwitch Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013
CONGRATS ON DD :D

Love the detail of Louie the parakeet :) just do.

Interesting.

the tiny stuff: "The last week or so of Janet's life were morphine-induced fantasy, I think" -- would it be "was" not "were" since the conjunction is "or" and "week" & "so" (I think) are each singular?
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jun 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!

(yes, you are correct. That story was written in one sitting without any proofreading. I'm surprised that's all I have to correct).

:)
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:iconcobrateen:
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
First and foremost, I am not happy with how much this piece refers to an eleven-year-old as being anywhere near womanhood. “As much of a woman as she was becoming” and “her blossoming womanhood” are just creepy to read … maybe you wanted that, but even if you did it was a bit heavy-handed. I kept hoping someone would say she was unnaturally physically mature for her age or something like that, to make that stuff about womanhood make sense.

But moving past that, I thought the piece was very good. I like the slow development of supernatural elements in the piece, how it starts out normal and ends with her as his literal angel of death. The cancer stuff is appropriately sad and serious, and very fitting for a piece about the ascension of a child Death, although it did seem a little forced when the narrator's cancer returned. In that moment I thought, “What, him too?”

Another question I had while reading was why she felt cold. I like it, but … does she feel cold because it's “the cold of death” or because she's not living in some hell-world's heat? Her wearing a sweatshirt in Florida during the summer made me think the latter theory, like that was the only way she could feel warm enough. But I also find the former theory interesting, even if it seems like “the cold of death” would make her well suited to a colder climate. Both are cool, it's just a point that caused me to stop and think.

Let's see, you mention that you didn't want to hit your reader over the head with the grim reaper stuff; I thought you did a good job on that, her wearing a hood at the end felt pretty cool to me and the brief mention of her biological father felt perfect. I didn't recognize her name, nor would I have, but I like how it is misspelled.

And some random stuff: You bring up the parakeet Louie, but never make use of him? “The night of the question of the unfurling in the laundromat” makes it sound like she unfurled in the laundromat, maybe you want something like, “The night of the question about unfurling in the laundromat.” And as much as I like it, I'm still curious why her eyes are radiant green.
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Actually, I had meant to make her thirteen. Somewhere in the middle of writing this I changed her character from eleven to thirteen, but I did not change the opening line.

Even if she were eleven, though, you have to realize something. The average age for girls to start puberty is 10-11. I have two close friends who are fathers of pre-teen girls (one has an eleven year old, the other has a ten year old). Both of my friends have expressed to me that their daughters are showing signs of womanhood and how they, as fathers, are sad to see their little girls grow up. This a time in the girls lives where they are starting to have crushes on boys, they're a little more self-aware of their bodies and it kinda of scares their fathers a bit. Their fathers are worried about the future for their girls.

Now, if our main character is left to raise this girl by himself, her display of the signs of puberty would be quite profound: he is probably not ready to lose his little girl to the onset of adulthood. Seeing your children grow up signals that your own life is passing by, and that you are probably past the halfway point in your own life. As you watch your children begin to figure out who they are, you have to confront the reality that you have less and less time to complete any goals or dreams you have. I think Asrin reaching puberty would have a profound impact on this single-father.

Nevertheless, I will edit her age so it reflects as thirteen. It was meant to be that way, and when you said "eleven" I had to go back and look at the first paragraph again. This story will undergo a re-write, and some of those references may be changed.

Well, the return of the cancer is tragic. And, certainly, this is a tragic story. Her mother's cancer was ovarian cancer. According to cancertutor.com, 90% of survivors of ovarian cancer will relapse and die within 5 to 10 years. Asrin's mother's relapse and death was pretty much inevitable. Her Daddy's relapse is probably some dramatic influence on my part as the writer, but cancer can come back and this scenario is not outside the realm of reasonable possibility.

The whole "cold as death" roots in the idea that death is cold. Very few bodies get warmer after death. She is only half-Death (pseudo-genetically-speaking), so she has human flesh, but she is still Death. It also was a clue for the readers who did not recognize the name.

I will consider revising the unfurling line when I do the re-write, thank you.

Why are her eyes radiant green? I suppose that I wanted her to seem somewhat supernatural, but not in a negative way. She is taking her Daddy away from his pain, and she has just found out who she is meant to be. Green generally implies a positive force, and a healthy one. She is half-human, and maybe she'll grow to be a very kind Angel of Death. Only time will tell.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I am most appreciative.
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:iconcobrateen:
Cobrateen Featured By Owner Jun 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
“Even if she were eleven, though, you have to realize something. The average age for girls to start puberty is 10-11.”

That's all well and good, but it doesn't make the repeated use of that word any less strange. You know about Chekhov's gun, right? All those uses of the word “woman” when used to describe an eleven-year-old girl feels like you setting up the gun, and it only gets weirder when she keeps wanting to sleep in his bed. That may all be completely normal to someone with a kid, but to me it felt unnecessarily creepy. All I'm saying is, maybe don't overuse the word.

“Seeing your children grow up signals that your own life is passing by, and that you are probably past the halfway point in your own life ... I think Asrin reaching puberty would have a profound impact on this single-father.”

Now this is a concept I like! And it's one I didn't get from reading the piece, so I think finding ways to emphasize this idea (while de-emphasizing the other) would be key.

“The whole "cold as death" roots in the idea that death is cold. Very few bodies get warmer after death. She is only half-Death (pseudo-genetically-speaking), so she has human flesh, but she is still Death.”

Right, and that was the idea that I first saw: she is cold because she is Death, and so she will never feel warm. If I had to guess, she might have been lying for her parents' sake when she said she felt better during the summer. But this brings me back to my two worries. First, if she is always cold, wouldn't she be more comfortable in a colder climate like Ohio? Like Frosty the Snowman, who shouldn't have tried to get warm. That made me turn to my second theory, that her body was becoming suited for some Hell-like inferno plane and so to her even Florida wasn't quite hot enough. But you seem to be saying that theory one is correct.
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:iconrorysalvatore:
RorySalvatore Featured By Owner May 25, 2013
I thought it was very good but I was thrown off when I thought it was about the girl? I don't know of I'm explaining that right but I did enjoy the read
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:iconalyssasidhe:
Alyssasidhe Featured By Owner May 25, 2013
I get the name part. I would have spelled Azrin with an "s" if not instructed otherwise. Nice story. ^_^
Grats on the daily deviation too.
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner May 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! I always love hearing from you. :)
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:iconalyssasidhe:
Alyssasidhe Featured By Owner May 26, 2013
You're welcome, and thank you. That makes me feel good ^_^
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:iconpokey-bunny:
Pokey-Bunny Featured By Owner May 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow. Lovely story.
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner May 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
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:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner May 24, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner May 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much!
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:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner May 28, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:iconflyingheartsplz::blowkiss::iconflyingheartsplz:
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:icongenzouhunterssonn:
GenzouHunterssonn Featured By Owner May 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Congratulations for the new Daily Deviation!
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner May 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
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:iconravenxnevermore:
RavenXNevermore Featured By Owner May 23, 2013  Student General Artist
I just... I just totally love this! You did an amazing job. Beautifully written! :3 :heart: :hug:
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner May 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I appreciate that, thank you.
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:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner May 23, 2013  Student General Artist
Oh my god. That's insane. It's really cool though.
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
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:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Student General Artist
You're welcome!
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:iconaphelps:
Aphelps Featured By Owner May 23, 2013  Student Digital Artist
I think that is the first time I have ever fav'd a lit piece. Freaking well done, love the twist. <3 I didn't know about the name switch thing, but I kind of understood it based on the end. Possibly the only thing that was unclear was the intent of "take care of them" in reference to the grandparents. (At the time, I understood it after.) Beautiful job. <3
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
If you've never faved a lit piece, than I am most honored.
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:iconwyvern713:
wyvern713 Featured By Owner May 22, 2013
Having read the description, the name makes a lot more sense now. If you didn't have that description there though, I don't think I would have ever made the connection.

I like this though! It's sad, but still in a way enjoyable to read.
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:iconrhydal:
Rhydal Featured By Owner May 22, 2013
This is a really lovely story. The twist at the end was subtle, but the 'aha' moment was good. I like it. Poor Asrin.
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I really appreciate it!
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:iconmysticwolfhowl:
mysticwolfhowl Featured By Owner May 22, 2013
you now have another watcher. You did an amazing job
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
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:icontuesdaynightcompany:
TuesdayNightCompany Featured By Owner May 22, 2013
What an interesting concept! Two cancer semi-survivors definitely helped anchor the story in reality.
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
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:iconperfling:
Perfling Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Student General Artist
Shamelessly crying....
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I hope that's a good thing?
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:iconperfling:
Perfling Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Student General Artist
Oh, yes :)
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:iconladylucis:
LadyLucis Featured By Owner May 22, 2013
This was amazing, really. Explaining the bit at the end really hit me over the head and made me see it! I don't think it was at all too subtle. If it was less subtle, it would be too obvious and there wouldn't be anything to read at a deeper level. You did a wonderful job with incorporating all of the elements you did. Once I saw the note at the end and re-read it, it all made perfect sense. Gorgeous piece.
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very, very much.
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:iconladylucis:
LadyLucis Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013
You're welcome.
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:iconmonochrome-s:
Monochrome-s Featured By Owner May 22, 2013
Very touching. I'm sorry I can't say more I'm just to speachless
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I really appreciate it!
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:iconbluevelvetwings:
bluevelvetwings Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I have to agree with the critique, on the point that the ending seems forced. Like, up until the very last few paragraphs, the author had wanted the angel thing to be a metaphor... which to me make a lot more sense because I'm not the type to think of angels as going around fathering human children as a matter of course, and I personally can't even imagine Azrael himself doing any such thing. Great writing, and the story could be very good, but the author should be a little less... on-the-fence about whether or not it's metaphorical.
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I will probably revamp this one. I am happy with the concept, but it does need tweaking.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I really appreciate it!
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:icondeaththekid15:
DeathTheKid15 Featured By Owner May 22, 2013
AWESOME! The name Asrin immediately popped in my head and i was like "AZRAEL!" THIS THING IS A BEAuty
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:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
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