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splashed
into
my peripheral

dark red satin
draped on hourglass

sultry
liquid
powerful
motion
shunning 
the crowd
in her steps

opportunity
flows closer

and I buy it
a glass of wine
The title just popped in my head... you know how I roll...

Read Aloud for :iconelocutionists: by the wonderful *disrhythmic: [link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconroselynedwards:
Brief summary, this was definitely very original overall, the words were unique as was the theme, although I wish you would've expounded more upon the feelings going on here, the whole setting seemed rather distant and unemotionally attached and emotions are how I relate to things, but it is different for every person so another person may think this poem has more of an impact than it did to me.
This poem really made me think, although some people may have a hard time getting it

In the beginning stanza i was confused as to what was happening ..
and a lot of this poem was very vague...
And now I see the power the vagueness does to this poem it really makes you think so you display excellent technique.
The poem is very raw simple, and at the same time complex, brilliant!

My favorite part was

opportunity
flows closer

and I buy it
a glass of wine

soooo brilliant, this abstraction!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2013
Your fantastic work has been featured in Friday Night Features.
Reply
:iconbluediamondsnow:
BlueDiamondSnow Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wonderful image! Gripping poem. LOVE it! It's funny (odd), but I pictured her as an "it"-- rather than an opportunity-- when I got to the end. I realize you probably meant both, or maybe just opportunity. She sounds like an "it." A vampire, maybe? Or a demon? Tightly written. Fewer words with more power, always good. 2nd Emoticon- :giveflowers: 
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!  I really appreciate the perspective on "it" and the feedback!
Reply
:icontravelgirlxx:
travelgirlxx Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
Ahhh! Love it!
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!!!
Reply
:icontravelgirlxx:
travelgirlxx Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
:D
Reply
:iconpinballwitch:
pinballwitch Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
^ I'm talking about the middle stanza. The rest has some interesting imagery and memorable bits of language.
Reply
:iconpinballwitch:
pinballwitch Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
The middle stanza is the by far the weakest one for me. Lots of words that don't give me imagery quite specific enough, and nothing that tickles my fancy linguistically.
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"sultry, liquid, powerful" doesn't create anything for you?
Reply
:iconpinballwitch:
pinballwitch Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012
Powerful rarely does.

Liquid, ish, but not nearly as much as a verb that would convey all that liquidity via motion.

Sultry is the strongest of the three. But it isn't particularly new, as the previous stanza touches on sultry in a delightfully visceral way that overshadows mere "sultry."

The stuff that comes after in that same stanza is weaker still (well maybe not weaker than powerful) in my mind. "Motion"? Are we talking seasickness-inducing or rocking a baby to sleep? Vibrations or a sheer drop? Just a blur? Etc.

I realize that your title is what it is, but titles describe & I want a poem to take me somewhere. Verbs make it happen (good ones). Adjectives don't, and nouns need a verb to do it.

Give me verbs! Don't tell me powerful, make me feel it.

Just my two cents.
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
And your two cents are appreciated. Consider them taken into... consideration!
Reply
:iconfebruaryblue:
februaryblue Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I think it's really interesting how you've taken a common situation and turned it into a piece of poetry like this. It took me a moment to realize what was going on because the words seem so unusually poignant for that situation - but I think it's a good thing, it's an interesting perspective and it makes me wonder what kind of person the narrator is (they seem to have better taste than most people in their situation).
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for taking the time to read and consider my poem. I found your feedback to be refreshing.

I suppose the narrator is me: finding the extraordinary in the ordinary (or seeing the little details that most people miss).


(and your dA name is my birth month and favorite color, very nice)
Reply
:iconfebruaryblue:
februaryblue Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
That's always a commendable thing, and I like the way you've chosen to portray it because like I said, it's unexpected.

And you have extraordinarily good taste in birth months and favorite colors. :D February is my favorite month and blue is my favorite color, but I took the name from a song called March the Mad Scientist: "April is summer-bound, and February's blue, but no-one stops to see the colors."
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Never heard the song, but it's worth looking up. :)

You're an interesting character, aren't you?
Reply
:iconfebruaryblue:
februaryblue Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's a quirky little song (quirky band that plays it, too).

Sometimes. p:
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Only sometimes??

What are you the rest of the time?
Reply
:iconfebruaryblue:
februaryblue Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm not really sure, it changes.
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
So, in this conversation, you are the enigma?
Reply
(1 Reply)
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
[link]

I hope you like it, love. <3
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I do. *gets a slight chill from her voice*
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
:heart:

May I post it to the #Elocutionists blog? :)
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well, yeah!
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
Up! [link]

If you add that link to the description, I'll submit this to the gallery. :heart:
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Done!
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
:heart:
Reply
:iconduplicatetoadstool:
DuplicateToadstool Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
beautiful
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
Reply
:iconduplicatetoadstool:
DuplicateToadstool Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
youre welcome!

i did your tag btw :[link]
Reply
:iconriseandbe:
RiseandBe Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Inspired by this poem - [link]
Reply
:iconriseandbe:
RiseandBe Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Very nice! I like how you say so much with so few words. I pictured the whole thing like a scene from an old movie.
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Nice interpretation!
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012
Just fabulous.

sultry
liquid
powerful
motion
shunning
the crowd
in her steps


Wonderful image there. :heart:
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you, my dear.

Too short to read?
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
:heart:

Aloud? Not at all. I was actually working up the courage to ask. <3
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I was too nervous to submit to Elocutionists...
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
No need to be, silly. <3
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yes, well, I am silly.
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
But I love ya for it. <3
Reply
:iconroselynedwards:
roselynedwards Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Student Writer
keep writing!!
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!
Reply
:iconroselynedwards:
roselynedwards Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Student Writer
you welcome!
Reply
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