Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconenigmaticsmile: More from enigmaticsmile


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
November 23, 2012
Submitted with
Sta.sh Writer
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
774
Favourites
25 (who?)
Comments
43
×
splashed
into
my peripheral

dark red satin
draped on hourglass

sultry
liquid
powerful
motion
shunning 
the crowd
in her steps

opportunity
flows closer

and I buy it
a glass of wine
The title just popped in my head... you know how I roll...

Read Aloud for :iconelocutionists: by the wonderful *disrhythmic: [link]
Add a Comment:
 
:iconroselynedwards:
Brief summary, this was definitely very original overall, the words were unique as was the theme, although I wish you would've expounded more upon the feelings going on here, the whole setting seemed rather distant and unemotionally attached and emotions are how I relate to things, but it is different for every person so another person may think this poem has more of an impact than it did to me.
This poem really made me think, although some people may have a hard time getting it

In the beginning stanza i was confused as to what was happening ..
and a lot of this poem was very vague...
And now I see the power the vagueness does to this poem it really makes you think so you display excellent technique.
The poem is very raw simple, and at the same time complex, brilliant!

My favorite part was

opportunity
flows closer

and I buy it
a glass of wine

soooo brilliant, this abstraction!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2013
Your fantastic work has been featured in Friday Night Features.
Reply
:iconbluediamondsnow:
BlueDiamondSnow Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wonderful image! Gripping poem. LOVE it! It's funny (odd), but I pictured her as an "it"-- rather than an opportunity-- when I got to the end. I realize you probably meant both, or maybe just opportunity. She sounds like an "it." A vampire, maybe? Or a demon? Tightly written. Fewer words with more power, always good. 2nd Emoticon- :giveflowers: 
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!  I really appreciate the perspective on "it" and the feedback!
Reply
:icontravelgirlxx:
travelgirlxx Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
Ahhh! Love it!
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!!!
Reply
:icontravelgirlxx:
travelgirlxx Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013
:D
Reply
:iconpinballwitch:
pinballwitch Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
^ I'm talking about the middle stanza. The rest has some interesting imagery and memorable bits of language.
Reply
:iconpinballwitch:
pinballwitch Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2012
The middle stanza is the by far the weakest one for me. Lots of words that don't give me imagery quite specific enough, and nothing that tickles my fancy linguistically.
Reply
:iconenigmaticsmile:
enigmaticsmile Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
"sultry, liquid, powerful" doesn't create anything for you?
Reply
:iconpinballwitch:
pinballwitch Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012
Powerful rarely does.

Liquid, ish, but not nearly as much as a verb that would convey all that liquidity via motion.

Sultry is the strongest of the three. But it isn't particularly new, as the previous stanza touches on sultry in a delightfully visceral way that overshadows mere "sultry."

The stuff that comes after in that same stanza is weaker still (well maybe not weaker than powerful) in my mind. "Motion"? Are we talking seasickness-inducing or rocking a baby to sleep? Vibrations or a sheer drop? Just a blur? Etc.

I realize that your title is what it is, but titles describe & I want a poem to take me somewhere. Verbs make it happen (good ones). Adjectives don't, and nouns need a verb to do it.

Give me verbs! Don't tell me powerful, make me feel it.

Just my two cents.
Reply
Add a Comment: